


Five Times Wade Listened to Peter B and One Time He Didn't

by Ooft



Series: Wade Wilson and Peter B. Parker [1]
Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crossdressing Wade Wilson, Deadpool Thought Boxes, F/M, Food as a Metaphor for Love, M/M, POV Wade Wilson, Peter B. Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Tony Stark Is Not Helping, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall, Wade Wilson has a Crush, Wade Wilson is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:59:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26223022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ooft/pseuds/Ooft
Summary: Wade did as Peter B asked five times, but what happened the sixth?Just had some inspiration flow for that 5-and-1 thing I've seen floating around.
Relationships: Peter B. Parker & Wade Wilson, Peter B. Parker/Mary Jane Watson, Peter B. Parker/Wade Wilson, Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Peter Parker/Mary Jane Watson, Peter Parker/Wade Wilson, Vanessa Carlysle/Wade Wilson
Series: Wade Wilson and Peter B. Parker [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904473
Comments: 4
Kudos: 89





	Five Times Wade Listened to Peter B and One Time He Didn't

1\. "If you could grab that bad guy for me - don't kill him please - I would be very grateful." 

Wade grinned. "Of course, baby boy." 

Leaving Petey to round up the bad guys in the parking lot, Wade took off after the asshole who decided to run away and make the job harder than it needed to be. 

The guy had taken off with a briefcase containing a particularly powerful (and hence, very illegal) weapon that Petey had been asked to retrieve. It just so happened that when a shitfight broke out between Petey and a gang of thugs, Wade dropped by to help and they made short work of apprehending everyone, besides the guy that was running away. 

Panting, the guy pulled a phone from his pocket and tried to dial a number as he ran, glancing behind him to see if he was being followed. Wade almost laughed at how pathetic he looked, but that would have given his position away. Rather than following the guy along the ground, Wade had stuck to the top of the shipping containers he was running alongside, leaping from one container to the next and plotting out a way to jump on this guy's neck without snapping it. Conveniently, none of the containers creaked or screeched under Wade's feet, like the universe didn't want his cover to be blown either. 

_The universes want me to help Petey and win him over_ , Wade thought gleefully, flying through the air as he jumped to another shipping container. It was a nice thought, however untrue. No, Petey belonged to MJ and MJ only, she was his soulmate and his keeper, his lover and supporter, all the rest of that yadda yadda bullshit that 'normal' couples told themselves. Petey was so painfully far from normal that it hurt Wade's whole being thinking about it, because part of him wanted to be in love with him and another part of him wanted to leave him the fuck alone, to let him be happy with his beautiful wife, bound to have children in a couple years and live happily ever after. 

Because, even though Wade was horribly in love with Petey, in the end that meant he had to leave him the fuck alone. He had to ignore the way Petey's nose scrunched up when he laughed, or the way his eyes turned soft when they sat in the rain together, or- 

**We're getting a little off topic.**

I like thinking about Hotstuff! 

Wade decided that since the shipping containers were beginning to grow sparse, he had to jump on the guy. Consciously making an effort to not unsheathe his katana as he leapt, he landed on the guy’s shoulders feet-first, knocking the guy down to his knees and smashing his nose into the tarmac. _Ouchies._

**That’s what you get for fucking with our man!**

I hope Hotstuff doesn’t mind the broken face. 

The guy moaned pitifully, writhing and clutching at his bleeding face with shaking hands. He looked up at Wade, almost comical with his eyelashes so full of blood, then passed out. 

Sighing heavily, Wade picked the guy up and hefted him over his shoulder. With his other hand, he picked up the briefcase, surprised with how light it was. “Is there anything in here?” 

**Maybe Cutie just wanted an excuse for you to save him.**

How romantic! 

If it had been anyone he was helping _besides_ Petey, he would have taken a peek into the suitcase to see what was inside. Since it _was_ Petey, however, Wade restrained himself, fighting his urges to open the suitcase and instead marching back to the parking lot, where everything was eerily quiet due to the cease in fighting. 

“Hey baby, got your superweapon back for ya.” Wade announced to Petey, dumping the briefcase and the thug guy on the ground. The guy let out another groan, to which Wade nudged him in the stomach with his foot and told him to shut up. 

Petey nodded, grabbing the briefcase. “Thanks, ‘Pool.” 

“Anytime, Webs.” Wade flashed him a brilliant smile, even though he wouldn’t be able to see it beneath the mask. 

“You guys ready to go back to S.H.I.E.L.D.?” Petey asked the crowd of thugs, who were now tied up in a bundle with Petey’s web-goo. 

**Imagine using the web goo on** **_him_ ** **.**

_I_ wish he’d use it on _us_ . 

“You’re doing all this for S.H.I.E.L.D.?” Wade asked. “And here I was, thinking you were on a million dollar contract for some cool person.” 

Petey looked over at him with what Wade imagined was a - very sexy - smirk. “I’m working for the _opposite_ of cool.” 

“Don’t tell Mr Stark you said that!” Wade gasped, smacking his hands to his cheeks. 

“Don’t even mention him. Please. I’m so done with him right now.” Petey grumbled, shaking his head. 

“Oh, you’re gonna have so much hot goss for me later, huh?” Wade asked. 

“Always.” Petey pulled his phone out from some hidden pocket at his hip, dialling quickly. He proceeded to have a sarcastic, one-sided conversation with someone. “Yeah, I got your case. I don’t know what’s inside it, Fury told me not to look. No, I didn’t look. I really don’t care what’s in here, I just wanna go home. Uh-huh. Okay, cool, I can do that. Yep. Okay. Can you do me a favour? Yeah, I don’t want the suit Stark’s got for me. No, I don’t want it as payment. Yeah, just do me a favour, please. Tell Stark I don’t want the suit. Like, at all. Not in the slightest. And also, if he flirts with Aunt May one more time, he’s gonna have bigger problems than me turning down his job offers and not wanting his suit. Yeah, just write that all down, deliver it as a note. If he has a problem, he’ll call me. You won’t get fired.” 

“I love a man who doesn’t answer to Tony Stark.” Wade said when Petey hung up the call and put his phone away again. 

**As long as he answers to us.**

So hot! OMG! 

Petey laughed. “He makes me want to kill someone. Namely him.” 

“Fair enough. Imagine thinking being rich is a personality trait. I mean, I’m a multi-millionaire and it’s not like you see _me_ going ‘round, showing off all my cash and acting like an asshole.” Wade pulled a wad of cash from one of his pouches and tapped his chin with it theatrically. “Oh… wait a minute… I _do_ do that, don’t I?” 

“Yeah, but it’s all in good fun. He thinks it gives him a reason to flirt with my aunt.” Petey sighed, giving Wade’s wad of cash a second look. “Is that real money, or Monopoly?” 

“What if I told you it was both?” Wade asked, handing it to him. 

Petey took it hesitantly, inspected it, then gave it back. “I’m curious as to where you got all this, but I don’t really wanna know either.” 

“I don’t think you wanna know.” Wade said, shrugging when he decided the answer might make for a funny conversation. “I work at the strip club sometimes.” 

“Oh yeah?” Petey teased, playing along. “Which one? Might drop by. I mean, if you’re there.” 

“I’m sure MJ would love it if you took her for a romantic dinner at _Alby’s Gals_.” Wade said. 

“For sure. No better a place for it.” Petey nodded seriously. 

“Anyway, I should skidaddle before your little superhero family gets here and tries to murderise my guts.” Wade saluted Petey as he walked off. 

“Have fun!” Petey waved to him. 

That little wave melted his heart. 

2\. “Can you grab me a burger on the way, please?” 

"What's in it for me?" Wade asked cheekily. 

"Not me sucking your dick, if that's what you're implying." Petey said before Wade could make any dirty suggestions. 

Wade put his hands on his hips, even though Petey couldn't see. "I was actually gonna ask for a kiss on the cheek, you dirty-minded, horny young man." 

“God, please never call me ‘young man’ again. It makes you sound like a pedo, my guy.” Petey said. “Anyway, I’m down on like… the tenth? Yeah, I’m on the tenth, at one of our usual spots. And, before you ask, I didn’t have time to make dinner ‘cause my roommate invited a bunch of guys in and they pulled out some MDMA, so I just got outta there before they started offering any.” 

“I still don’t get why I can’t hang with your roomie. He sounds like my kinda guy.” Wade huffed. 

“That’s the exact reason why. Dude, I like you and all, but I’m not having you and him making sexual jokes at my expense twenty-four-seven.” Petey explained, though there was a tone of laughter in his voice. 

Wade realised he was almost at Petey’s favourite burger place. “Whatever, babe, I’ll find my own way to your dorm eventually. I’m grabbing your shit now, gimme like… ten minutes? I dunno.” 

“Thanks man. Love ya.” Petey hung up the phone before Wade could coo at him. 

“Love you too, asswipe.” Wade said as he heard the end-call tone. “The universe is really intent on preserving our friendship, huh?” Wade asked out loud, not really expecting an answer. He got one anyway. 

**Fuck knows _you’re_ not letting _us_ help. **

I wish MJ wasn’t around. 

**We could kill her.**

That’d make Hotstuff sad. 

“Yellow, stop talking outta your ass, please. White, MJ’s stickin’ around, okay? We can’t change that and I wouldn’t do anything anyway. She makes Petey happy.” Wade lectured, in a mood to piss off the little voices in his head. _Who cares if they get angry? Fuck ‘em._

**You wouldn’t do anything because you’re a fucking pussy.**

I wasn’t saying get rid of MJ! I was just saying that maybe… if we were to plant a foreign pair of boxers in her and Hotstuff’s bed… leave some incriminating messages on her phone… Who knows what’ll happen? 

“Fuck no.” Wade answered, figuring the answer could apply to both of them. “I’m not fucking Petey over like that, ‘kay?” 

**You know I’m right.**

_*Sulkily* Okay._

**God, I hate it when you do the action thing.**

*Sigh* Good for you. 

**I walked into that.**

*Giggle* You defs did! 

**You can stop now, I get the joke.**

*Laughing* Are you sure, because- *snort* -I’m not sure you did! 

**You’re a punk-ass bitch.**

And you’re a big fat stinkiehead! 

**I hate you so fucking much.**

Liar! 

**Fuck’s sake.**

Liar! Haha! 

“Shut up for a minute, I need to think.” Wade looked through the menu of burgers displayed on the wall, already knowing what to get for Petey but not quite sure what to get for himself. 

_Fuck it, we're goin' Crazy Town._

Stepping up to the register, Wade was well aware of all the confused looks in his direction, ignoring them all skilfully. Yellow started raving something about beating everyone up, while White was wailing about never fitting in. The usual, really. 

"You off to Comic Con?" The cash register girl asked Wade, chewing down on her gum obnoxiously. 

"Nope. Just killed a convicted rapist who got released from jail after three months." Wade announced casually. Before she could stammer out a response, he pushed on, pointing up at the board as he talked. "I'll just get a double cheeseburger, a Lot Burger, a red Mount Drip and… a blue milkshake. I dunno, I'm feeling my melancholy today." 

The girl nodded, practically sprinting away from the register and delivering his order to one of the chefs with frantic urgency. She jabbed a finger in Wade's direction, though she couldn't tell he was watching, because he had his phone held in front of his face, watching through his peripheral. 

The burgers came quicker than they ever had before, along with a bottle of Mount Drip and a takeaway blue heaven milkshake. Wade saluted the register girl and high-tailed it out of there before she did something silly, like call the police. 

Petey was, as he said, on the tenth, sitting at the edge of one of their usual spots, mask on and fidgeting, tapping his foot with an annoying, though endearing fervour. Wade sat beside him, wordlessly handing over the cheeseburger and Mount Drip. He tugged his mask off and left it on the roof behind him. 

"Red Mount Drip?" Petey looked at the bottle, nodding. "Aren't they cancelling this stuff soon?" 

"They better fucking not be." Wade bit into his Lot Burger. "That's my baby boy's favourite flavour." 

"There's only two flavours." Petey reminded him gently, tugging his mask up to the bridge of his nose and revealing an affectionate smile. 

"And you prefer red. So they better not fucking cancel it, or they're getting several raging phone calls." Wade shrugged. 

"Thanks for this, by the way." Petey said through a mouthful. "Oh my God, this tastes like heaven." 

**You know what else tastes like heaven, Cutie?**

_He'd_ taste like heaven. 

Wade hummed in agreement with Petey. "I know what kind of food you're into, bud. Digging through Government files and finding out this kind of stuff is all part of the job, ya know." 

"Hey man, I'm not complaining. Hell, if you know all my favourite stuff, go through all the Government files you want." Petey moaned at the next bite. "This cheese is a fucking delight." 

"Hey, Spider-Man doesn't swear!" Wade smacked him gently in the ribs, laughing when Petey gave him a sheepish smile. "Also, I could've sworn you cracked the shits with Stark for digging through your files. What, you gotta double standard now?" 

"It's different with you." Petey waved him off. 

**Love confession in 3, 2, 1…**

Take off the mask! Look us in the eyes! 

"How?" Wade asked. 

"Well, you're not trying to get in with my Aunt May, for one." Petey said emphatically. 

**Damn.**

Aw, man! 

Wade smirked. "How would you know? Maybe she's got a sexy MILF thing going on in her spare time, away from your precious, innocent eyes. I'm not saying I have a _thing_ for cougars, per se, but if it was your _aunt_ offering, it's not like I'd say no, y'know?" 

"You should stop talking before you bury yourself in a hole so deep you can't even grapple hook your way out." Petey said. "Also, back to my point: unlike Stark, you actually give a fuck about me. You gave a fuck before I became well-known and you still give a fuck now. Which leads to my third point: you're a really nice guy. I didn't even have to get to know you well for you to be a nice guy. And sure, you act like an asshole and you talk a lotta shit, but you care about things and you know when to stop. Stark doesn't. He just… he just shitcans people because he can afford to and he doesn't give a fuck about anyone unless they can benefit him. So that's why I don't mind you knowing about me. But him? He can get fucked. Seriously. It makes me so - _unbelievably_ \- angry, talking to him. Like I have to restrain from punching his teeth out." 

"I didn't realise he pissed you off _that_ much." Wade nodded along to the rant, chewing thoughtfully on his burger. 

"I'm sorry, it sounds stupid." Petey sighed. 

"No, no, I… well, I don't really _get_ it, but I get why you don't like him. It's not stupid and I understand why you feel like I'm the only person you can rant to about it." Wade patted his knee reassuringly. 

**Now slide your hand up to his thigh and** **_squeeze._ **

He's so warm! I wonder how soft his skin is? 

"You know, last week, I was trying to talk to him about how we can send out teams and stuff to help with the famine and water supply in Africa. You know what he said to me?" Petey spat, his words becoming more frantic as he went. He didn't wait for Wade to answer him, forging on. "He goes: 'oh, and how would you market this', like it's just some fucking joke! Like there aren't millions of people dying because of it and like there's a profit to be made. He's a fucking trillionaire - a trillionaire, Wade - and he can't even fucking spare ten million, which would go a long fucking way in solving it and he knows it!" 

Petey sighed and rubbed his forehead, still covered by the mask. All the fight in his body seemed to deflate as he took another bite of his burger. 

"Baby boy, if you ever asked me to donate ten mill', you know I'd go 'round taking up contracts to give it to you, right?" Wade said, hoping it would cheer him up. 

Petey chuckled softly. "Thanks." 

"You want anything else to eat?" Wade asked, putting all the rubbish around them in a neat little pile, before very obnoxiously draining the last of his milkshake. 

"You wanna get an ice cream? It's kinda late and I gotta head home soon, but I'll shout you this time. I think I've got some cash on me." Petey reached to pat down his pockets, give 'em the good ol' low down jig, but Wade waved him off, batting his hands gently. 

"I'll pay, don't worry. I might not be a trillionaire, but I'm not some poor-ass college student, either." Wade stood up and grabbed all their rubbish. "You mind carrying me to the ground? My hands are kinda full." 

Petey smiled at him, pulling down his mask. He held his arms out to Wade, who stepped between them and let Petey sweep him off his feet into his arms, swooning and laughing at Petey, who huffed something about Wade being heavy. Petey walked over the edge of the building, keeping a tight grip on Wade, afraid he might slip from his grasp and fall. 

**Squeeze tighter, Cutie, don't be shy.**

He's so big and strong! Imagine him carrying us to bed like this. 

When they'd reached the ground, Petey placed Wade down gently, making sure he was steady before letting him go. Dumping the trash in a can nearby, Wade dusted his hands off and bowed to Petey with a flourish, directing him down the street. Snorting boyishly, Petey walked by, checking to make sure Wade followed him with what would be a friendly smile hidden away on that handsome face. 

"You wanna get ones at the gas station, or a proper ice cream place?" Wade asked. 

"I don't care." Petey shrugged. "Whatever you want." 

"Oh wait! Let's do our old game: get the superhero ice creams and whoever has the worst face has to do something dumb." Wade grinned. Mask crinkled away in one of his pouches, Wade became aware of every look people gave him, some people curling their lips in disgust or horror. Slipping his hand in the pouch, Wade pulled it out and over his face, relaxing into its warm safety. 

Petey nodded. "You're on." 

Much to Petey's annoyance, Wade bought them both Spider-Man ice creams. Ripping the packaging off, they held the ice creams next to each other and-

"Mine doesn't even have a face!" Wade grumbled, seeing if he could make out something distinct, like an eye. 

"Guess I win, then." Petey smirked and shrugged. "You gotta walk me home." 

"That's my challenge?" Wade asked. 

"Part of it." Petey smiled wider, enjoying the confused look on Wade's face. 

"I'm so confused, Spidey. What am I doing?" Wade asked. 

Petey gave his ice cream a thoughtful lick. "What would you say to staying for a sleepover?" 

**Can we fuck him at this sleepover?**

He's probably really cute in his sleep! 

"Can we build a pillow fort?" Wade asked hopefully, firmly ignoring his thought boxes. 

**And fuck in said pillow fort?**

Might be uncomfortable, but who cares about comfort when you're riding Hotstuff? 

"Of course." Petey tugged him along down the pavement. 

Every time it seemed like Wade could get over his crush on Petey, the man did something to make him fall more in love. Point in case being, when they stood together outside Petey's dorm for the first time, Petey leaned in, pulled up Wade's mask and kissed him on the cheek, saying he was repaying Wade for dinner. _You don't need to pay me, baby boy. Not a cent._ That was what he wanted to say, anyway. _All those jokes I make about you paying me, that’s what they are. They’re just jokes._

3\. "Can't you make the dress shorter?" 

"What, and not look anywhere near as sexy? Petey, babe, I need all the sexy I can get." Wade crossed his arms and stared Petey down. 

“Yeah but _Wadey_ , babe, you’ll trip on the hem. Cocktail dresses are sexy, aren’t they? Can’t you make it a cocktail dress?” Petey asked. 

Wade raised an eyebrow at him, though he knew it wouldn’t work properly because of his distinct _lack_ of either eyebrows. “Maybe, if I had an ass as poppin’ as yours. And my fake tits, but I kind of don’t have those on hand right now, baby boy, unless you’ve got a pair lying around that you’ve gotten in the last week.” 

“That timeframe is oddly specific.” Petey tried to give Wade a reproachful look, but he couldn’t keep the smile from his face. 

“So I like to know what kind of stuff my bestie keeps in his room, sue me! I’m serious, though, I might have a nice body, but it is _not_ the kind of body for a cocktail dress.” Wade sighed, shaking his head. “Oh, what to _do?_ ” 

“Hem it by like, I dunno, two inches. You know how much pressure that takes off you to not trip? Two inches, that’s it.” Petey reached down and grabbed the hem of the dress, folding it two inches and comparing it to the original length. “Aunt May can do it in an hour. I think.” 

“I really wanna make inches jokes, but I feel like you’re gonna murder me.” Wade said. 

“In front of Aunt May? Yes, I would murder you until you gave up coming back to life.” Petey stood up again, looking Wade dead in the eyes. “Nothing dumb in front of her, okay?” 

“But I don’t wanna have the dress taken up!” Wade moaned, stomping his foot and pouting. 

Petey sighed heavily. “Trip and die, then. Make _me_ trip and die.” 

“Okay,” Wade clapped his hands, leaving the room quickly, “where’s your Aunt May at?” 

“Who knew that a risk to my life would make you so anxious to fix something?” Petey asked, shaking his head and following Wade out of his dorm room. 

“You know, Petey,” Wade said as he jumped down the stairs and past a group of chattering college students who could not give less of a shit about his attire ( _God, I love college kids)_ , “you’re the most supportive person I know, in the most nonchalant way possible. That’s what I like about you. You know, Cable, oh my God, _Cable_ , now that’s a man who is unsupportive in the worst way possible. He’s all ‘take that dress off, Wilson’ and ‘your jokes aren’t funny’ but you’re like ‘you look incredibly ravishing (as always) Wadey-poo, but I’m concerned about your safety’ and ‘oh Wade, you’re the funniest guy I know’, and Petey, I think that’s very sexy of you. MJ sure has gotten lucky.” 

Petey laughed. “I try.” 

“Seriously, I don’t know how anyone doesn’t like you.” Wade said. 

“I don’t have many crossdressing friends to flex my open-mindedness on.” Petey said, chuckling. 

“Ah, well, I suppose I’ll just have to make up for it.” Wade smirked. 

Petey raised an eyebrow. “You already do.” 

“Everyone could do with a _little_ more Wade Wilson in their life, baby boy.” Wade gestured to himself, smiling proudly. “There’s enough of Big Willy to go ‘round.” 

“You really like that nickname, huh?” Petey asked, shaking his head and laughing. “I told Adrian it was dangerous territory, calling you that.” 

“You better your bottom fuckin’ dollar I love the nickname.” Wade sang as he skipped out of the college dorm building. 

“Alright, come on. We’ll take the bus to Aunt May’s.” Petey pulled Wade over to the bus stop, plopping himself down on the bench to wait. 

Wade sat down beside him, chatting away animatedly and ignoring the funny looks people gave him. All that mattered was that Petey didn’t mind his company, didn't care that he liked wearing dresses and that he looked like a pack of ground beef. That was what mattered. 

4\. “Oh, fuck yes, right there. Oh… Jesus. Fuck. Keep it right there.” 

No, unfortunately, they were not having sex. What they were doing was… similar, in a way. A little bit of pain that gave way to pleasure, sure. A _massage_. Not a naughty one, though. Obviously. 

Wade pressed his hands down again on the base of Petey’s neck, his fingers gliding over the ridging of his spine, little bumps rising up beneath his pale skin. Lying on Wade’s lap while they sprawled out on the couch, Petey sighed softly when Wade’s fingers dug into the muscles of his upper back, working out all the knots in the muscles and chasing them away. 

It’d been only a couple of minutes, but Wade was already trying hard not to check Petey out. There was a freckle on Petey’s shoulder blade that he was focusing on, hoping it could distract him from the fact that Petey was shirtless, laid across his lap, moaning and swearing up a very sinful storm of naughty thoughts in Wade’s mind. It was becoming all he could do to not lean down and bite that freckle on Petey’s shoulder, to not tease the skin between his teeth and tug away- 

**You’re gonna get a boner all up in this twink bitch’s guts. And not on the inside of them, where we want.**

Look at those muscles! Yum. 

**You’re not helping.**

Says you, Mr Horny-All-The-Time. 

“Keep arguing.” Wade said. 

Petey looked at him out of the corner of his eye, vision glazed. “Your boxes okay?” 

“Yeah, they’re just arguing. It’s kinda funny, actually.” Wade smiled. _He’s so cute_. “How’s your neck feeling?” 

“So, so much better. Oh my God, thank you.” Petey said, burying his face into his arms again with a grunt when Wade dug his fingers into his back muscles. 

**Fuck, tell him to stop moaning like that.**

Tell him to _keep_ moaning! Did you see the way his eyes were? All sexed-up! 

**If you keep disagreeing with me, I’ll find a way to murder you.**

With that big ol’ dick of yours? 

Wade cackled at that, unable to restrain himself. Coughing and sputtering, he realised Petey might start asking questions about the boxes, something Wade wasn’t sure he could even come up with a suitable lie for. Worrying was pointless, though, because Petey was preoccupied with groaning every time Wade pressed down on his back. 

**Maybe offer him a throat massage, too?**

What is it with you and topping him? Maybe _he_ could give _us_ a throat massage. 

**I could say the same about you wanting to bottom so bad.**

Have you seen the bulge in his pants? 

**Have you seen how fat his ass is?**

Fair point. Good thing Wadey likes switching, huh? 

**Dipshit sees the best of both worlds.**

Don’t call him that! You’re so mean to him. No wonder he doesn’t like talking to you, you big bully. 

**He wasn’t complaining when that guy dicked him down last week and called him a ‘dirty fucking slut’. Neither were you.**

That’s sex talk! It’s different, dummy. 

**Whatever, asshat.**

You’re just upset that I’m right. 

Petey sighed blissfully. “I’m shouting you lunch for the next week. Actually, no, the next-” He groaned loudly, face scrunching up. “-the next _year_. Oh, fuck, why are you so good at this? And why does it hurt so much but feel so fucking amazing?” 

“MJ not give my baby boy massages?” Wade asked, teasing out the knots in Petey’s lower back. The skin folded and rolled beneath his fingers, soft and smooth. 

“Nope. Aw, _fucking_ hell.” Petey rubbed his face, moaning into his hands. 

Pressing down and rubbing one last time, Wade savoured the feeling of Petey’s skin on his fingertips, the heat pulsing off him and the way his muscles rolled. “All done.” 

Petey laid there for a few more minutes, truly resembling that post-sex look, which was driving Wade absolutely fucking insane at this point. He couldn’t remember ever wishing that Petey was not with MJ this badly. _Why the hell does he do this to me?_

“I gotta go soon.” Petey sighed, flipping himself over so that he was looking up at Wade, eyes still looking a little misty. “MJ’s pissed off at me.” 

“Why?” Wade asked. _There’s always something wrong with these two_. 

“She got upset that I wasn’t home the other night.” Petey propped his arms behind his head, using them as a pillow. “I get why, and I know she worries and stuff, but I don’t have a choice. S.H.I.E.L.D. don’t care that I’ve got a wife at home waiting for me, and their paychecks are what keep us living comfortably. I can’t just give all that up for a day job that I can barely stay awake for.” 

“And you can’t give up being Spidey entirely.” Wade finished his thoughts for him. This was a discussion they’d had a million times. Sure, Wade could understand where MJ was coming from, but it seemed like her and Petey needed to have a serious chat with one another and sort their shit out. That’s what him and ‘Ness had done, that’s what they’d always done. And, surprise-surprise, it always worked, because, like those seemingly useless shrinks said, ‘communication is key.’

“It’s my responsibility. I can’t just turn my back on New York.” Petey sighed, looking Wade in the eyes. “You get it, right?” 

“Yeah.” Wade nodded. “Course I do.” 

“She wants kids, too.” Petey muttered, like it was a simple afterthought. It most definitely was not, but Wade couldn’t be assed unpacking that kind of statement. 

“Shit.” _Very intelligent response._

“Yep.” They sat in contemplative silence, before Petey sat up. “Alright, I should head off.” 

Saying goodbyes, Wade watched Petey climb out of his window and walk down the building’s brick wall, waving to him when he reached the bottom. 

Looking up at the sky, Wade figured Vanessa would be home soon. She’d been working with Weasel on something for the past couple days and - very suspiciously - wouldn’t tell him what that thing was. Probably a surprise for him, which he could only smile at the thought of. That, and the ring on his finger were nice reminders as to why he loved her (as well as a billion other things), since the silver reminded him of that crown she had on one of her teeth, the one that would flash out at him every time she smiled. And God, did she smile a lot. 

Wind blew in through the empty window, cold air dancing across Wade’s skin and resembling that sense of utter _loss_ he felt when Petey left his side. Vanessa had understood when Wade said he was in love with him. She’d told him to speak to Petey about it, to see if he felt a similar way, but… Petey just wasn’t that kinda guy, and MJ just wasn’t that kinda gal. There was no sharing or polygamy in your average person’s world and Wade knew that was all Petey wanted to be nowadays; normal, even though he wasn’t and never could be. 

He loved Petey so fucking much that it hurt sometimes. Chest aching, head throbbing kind of love. The same, addictive shit he felt with Vanessa, horribly and lovingly intoxicating, making him want to scream and break things because it was so fucking painful and _wrong_. 

Petey deserved better - so much better - than anything Wade could give him. So much better, that it was the reason Wade stayed away, because MJ was better than him, more _normal_ and _stable_ and _capable_ than him. Like Vanessa, she was a tether, someone steady and able to keep her feet on the ground. Everything she _was_ , Wade was _not_ . That was the essence of it all, the root of the issue and Wade knew that, because despite being a stupid, asshole anti-villain with very ambiguous and questionable morals, he was very clever at understanding the dynamic of relationships and the way people clicked. MJ and Petey _didn’t_ click, but it was because Petey refused to click with anyone, scared of himself and his own life. He liked MJ, loved her, and Wade knew Petey had honestly convinced himself they belonged together, no matter how much more unlikely and obviously untrue that became. It was depressingly honourable, really, the way Petey dedicated himself to failure. 

“Hey, Red. You okay?” The door swung open and Vanessa came through, looking as beautiful and lovable as ever. 

Wade smiled. “Yeah. C’mere.” 

She grinned, running over and jumping into his arms to kiss him, her arms and legs wrapping around him and exploring him like everything was completely new to her; another thing he loved about Vanessa. 

“Your boyfriend over?” She asked with a smirk, nibbling the tip of Wade’s nose when he laughed at her. 

“I knew I should’ve sprayed something to get rid of that sex smell.” He sighed against her lips. 

“You two are so fucking weird.” Vanessa giggled. “But I love ya.” 

“I love you too, girlie.” Wade kissed her again. 

She could be enough for him. She could be _more_ than enough for him. Always. 

5\. “Don’t be an asshole to Stark just ‘cause of me, alright?” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it, baby boy.” Wade shook his head, waving the suggestion off as if it were pure and complete silliness, certainly not something Wade Winston Wilson would even think about doing, never _ever_ never in a million years. 

“I’m serious, Wade.” Petey crossed his arms over his chest and stared into Wade’s soul. “Don’t act like a moron. Well, like more of a moron than usual.” 

“Baby, I would _never_.” Wade clapped his hands excitedly, then froze when the elevator bell dinged. He put his arms down straight at his sides. “Alright. Serious Wade is here.” 

Petey sighed, stepping out of the elevator. “Come on, smartass.” 

“No swearing allowed in Stark Tower! Didn’t you see the signs?” Wade hissed at him. “Didn’t you just get, like, a degree in biochemical engineering? Shouldn’t you know how to read?” 

“Shut up!” Petey said, laughing. 

“Peter Parker, nice of you to finally join us.” Tony Stark said when Petey and Wade walked into some large meeting room. “You brought a… friend.” _A very special friend._

“Mr Stark, I’m such a huge fan!” Wade gushed, reaching out and grabbing his hand, shaking it enthusiastically. “Petey told me he was gonna be seeing you and I asked if I could come. I hope that’s okay!” 

Tony raised an eyebrow, looking unimpressed. “Hi.” He turned to Petey. “You know how serious this is, right?” 

“Yeah. Wade’s a good friend of mine, I work with him a bit.” Petey said. 

“He wear a dress then, too?” Tony asked. 

“Yeah, actually, he does sometimes. So do I. Look, I’ve seen some of your suits and, to be honest, I think you could do with a little fashion advice from him.” Petey said, winking at Wade when Tony frowned. 

Swooning, Wade put a hand to his forehead. “Defending my honour, what a man!” 

“The others have been waiting around for you.” Tony said, ignoring Wade and marching off to sit down at the meeting table with the other Avengers, who Wade had only noticed after Tony announced their presence. “Hi everyone!” 

All he got was blank staring in response. 

Wade sighed, putting his hands on his hips and feigning disappointment. _Man, these guys are boring._ "Tough crowd tonight, huh? I'll make sure to pull out my-" 

"Hey everyone." Petey shot Wade a sharp look - he had anticipated _exactly_ where that joke was headed - smiling at everyone with his teeth. "I was just sorting a couple things out before I got here, sorry to keep you waiting." 

"All good, buddy. And you brought, uh - Wade - was it?" Steve Rogers, ever the 'nice guy' of the group, greeted Wade with a wide smile. 

Wade nodded, sitting down beside Petey at the table. As usual, all eyes were on him, so he put on a brilliant smile and waved at everybody, gauging their reactions as he went. Most of them seemed fairly disgusted and/or uncomfortable with his presence, which he supposed was fair enough because his skin wasn’t covered and - if anything - was more _un_ covered than normal. Dresses made his legs look very sexy, though, so Wade decided he didn’t really mind if they chose to stare at him. _If they can’t appreciate my confidence, fuck ‘em._

Surprisingly, Petey had also gotten properly dressed for the meeting. Over the past few years, he’d become more careless and callous with how he presented himself to the Avengers, often going to meetings in a buttoned shirt and three-quarter jeans. Today, however, he’d come in a blazer, shirt and nice pants. Not wanting to put him off, Wade hadn’t asked about the change, planning to do so after the meeting over a coffee or ice cream. 

Very soon, after pleasantries were out of the way, all of the Avengers were talking. Shouting and sighing seemed to be the top forms of communication, accompanied by pointing and waving arms in aggravation. Wade had no fucking idea what was going on, but he was ready to skidaddle if anyone pulled weapons out. 

Petey was completely unperturbed by the arguing, watching as the Avengers all shot back and forth at each other, him sporting a look of pure boredom. At one point, he even had the guts to yawn and sip his water, which made all the Avengers turn to look at him, before venomously yelling and trying to coerce him into offering his opinion on whatever the fuck it was they seemed to be taking issue with. 

“Peter, what do you think?” 

“Tell Stark he’s wrong!” 

“You’re the only one that’s neutral!” 

Petey took another sip of water. “I’m staying neutral. Honestly, I don’t even know why the fuck I’m here, or even what you’re all arguing about. Only reason I came in today was ‘cause Fury told me to, so I thought something important was happening.” 

That explained the nice clothes, Wade supposed. 

Immediately, all the Avengers started yelling something about a fight and war and a load of other crap Wade didn’t find all that interesting. Neither did Petey, apparently, because he just stared at them all blankly until they gave up on their yelling again. 

“Cool, great talk. I feel super enlightened, now.” Petey stood up. “I’m gonna call Fury and depending on what he says, I may or may not be coming back. Don’t wait for me, though, feel free to continue arguing while I’m not here.” 

Wade followed Petey from the room. Thankfully, the walls were completely soundproof, because the shouting started the second the door closed behind them. Sighing and pulling out his phone, Petey dialled a number. 

“Hey.” Petey listened, foot tapping impatiently on the ground. “Yeah, I- uh-huh. Look, yeah, I don’t know what’s happening. Nah, they’re asking- yeah, is that what I’m even here for? Okay. I don’t know. I’m not picking sides. I can’t, I don’t- no, I don’t! I seriously have no idea, at all. Uh-huh. Okay. Great, perfect. Okay. Bye, thank you. Bye.” 

“We good to go?” Wade asked. 

“Yeah, Fury was hoping I could defuse or some shit, I dunno. I haven’t even been told what’s happening, so I can’t really help, anyway.” Petey sighed and rubbed his face tiredly. “You wanna head out for a coffee?” 

Wade nodded. “Sure thing, baby boy. I even dressed up all nice for our little date.” 

“That dress actually really suits you, you know?” Petey said as they stepped into the elevator. He clicked the button for the ground floor. “I thought the colour might not work, but it honestly does.” 

“Thanks, babe! Navy is _totes_ my colour. Brings out the eyes.” Wade fanned himself, batting eyelashes he didn’t have. 

Petey laughed with one of those cute little giggles that made his nose scrunch up. “Definitely.” 

Before he could make further conversation about Petey’s attire and risk giving his crush away, the elevator doors pinged and opened. _Thank fuck for that._

6\. “Leave me the fuck alone, Wade.” 

“First of all: rude. Second of all: no. Third of all: just tell me what’s wrong, already, oh my God.” Wade said, following Petey as he walked down the straight. 

“Wade, I wanna go home. Find MJ. _Without_ you.” Petey said. 

“Okay, fair enough, but why now?” They turned down another street. 

Sighing angrily and pulling harshly at his hair, Petey stopped and turned to face Wade. “I don’t know. My senses are going all fuzzy; I think something’s happened and I’m just really stressed out about it and you’re not helping by following me and asking questions.” 

“Alright, I’ll shut up, then.” Wade pointed down the street and they started walking again. 

“What if she’s hurt?” Petey said to no one in particular. “Or _dead?_ ” 

Feeling like he was going to burst in a minute, Wade forced himself to stay silent. 

It seemed like hours before they finally reached Petey and MJ's place, Petey throwing open the door and basically running into the bedroom. Debating whether or not he should follow, Wade crept in, shutting the door softly behind him and stepping through the house slowly. Hesitating, he popped his head into the doorway of the bedroom. 

Petey and MJ were sitting on the bed together, MJ clinging to Petey's shoulder and sobbing, him awkwardly rubbing her back and trying to shush her with gentle murmuring. Fear was shining in his eyes when he looked at Wade, his body looking stiff and helpless under MJ's weak frame. 

_I shouldn't be here. Do I just leave?_ Wade paced around in the living area, rubbing his bald, scarred head. 

At the sound of MJ's choking sobs, Wade decided it was best if he took off and let Petey contact him later if he needed anything. Shutting the door behind him, he left as quietly as he came. 

An hour later, Petey was calling him. 

"Hey, Wade." He sounded tired. 

"Yo, what's up, babe?" Wade tried to keep it light, absolutely dreading whatever Petey would say next. 

Petey sighed. "MJ's parents were hit by a truck when they were out walking. Her… her mum died straight away and her dad was taken to hospital and… he died five minutes ago." 

"Jesus." Wade didn't know what else to say. He was sorry? MJ barely knew him, plus she didn't like him anyway, so that was a no-go zone. 

"Yeah. I uh-" Petey stopped abruptly. Wade could hear muffled speaking. "Yeah, I'm talking to Wade. No, he- I'm sorry. Okay." More crackling and muffling. "Hey, Wade, sorry. I gotta go, but… any advice? At all? I'm way outta my depth right now." His voice cracked as he spoke. 

Wade paused, watching as cars drove by on the road in front of him. "I dunno what to tell ya, Petey. Listen to her? Talk to her? Hug her?" 

"Yeah. Okay. I can… Yeah. I'll try. I'll see you 'round." Petey muttered. 

"See ya." Wade held the phone against his ear for a few seconds after the end-call tone rang true, feeling like the scum of the Earth. 

He should have been more helpful, but… what was there to say? If Petey’s relationship with MJ wasn’t already going to shit, he never would have had to ask Wade - of all people - for advice. 

Part of Wade wanted to stand in the middle of the road and scream to the world ‘I knew it’, but another part of him knew that the fact made him miserable, that he couldn’t take pleasure in knowing that he was right about something _for once,_ because that something had fucked his friend over royally. Right from the start, the moment Petey told him ‘I asked MJ out on a date for this Saturday’ Wade knew: Peter B. Parker and Mary Jane Watson would never _click_. 

He thought he was being a good friend by never bringing it up, by not sitting Petey down to tell him how dangerous being in a relationship with someone like MJ could be. Hell, he’d be a hypocrite to talk like that; it wasn’t like Vanessa was a superhero. It felt different, though. Vanessa had always understood the way Wade worked and understood that he had a job to do. MJ was the same, but she also expected Petey to push it all aside for her, to get his shit together and be normal in her presence, which, really, was quite impossible because - all jokes aside - Petey was a bit of a freak, even without the mutant-spider-bite shit. Petey was an unfortunate freak of the world because he’d seen and heard and smelt and tasted and ultimately _felt_ horrible, terrible things happen. Things that most ‘normal’ people couldn’t even imagine seeing. 

This universe’s Spider-Man was a particularly fucked-up version, too. When visiting other universes, Wade was met with Peters that hated killing and hated their Deadpools for doing it. They were naive and petty, sarcastic and rich, feeding into the very thing they supposedly tried to fight. Crime rates in their universes were relatively low, the most crime occurring when a big villain came to town. 

His Peter Parker, though? He dealt with world-breaking shit, villains and criminals that always swam deeper than the water made them appear. There was never ‘just a robbery’ in this universe of theirs; it was always a hostage situation, or a child sex-trafficking syndicate, or a billionaire extorting the lives of people living in third world countries. 

Petey tried _so_ hard to be normal, but… Wade knew - he knew too well - it would never happen, because Petey was a freak. Lying was pointless, deviating from the truth was pointless: Petey was never going to be normal, because he was a freak. Freaks didn’t get to be normal, didn’t even get to pretend. There were no fun-and-games in the freak life. Wade almost laughed at himself, thinking, _you don’t choose the Freak Life, the Freak Life chooses you._

Laughing seemed inappropriate. He settled for a wry, heavy nose exhale instead, a smile ghosting his lips, because since when the fuck did Deapool not laugh in the face of ‘properness’, or whatever the fuck you’d call it? Never. He was vulgar and callous and feral, with crazy-as-shit thought boxes banging on about random crap when they felt like it. He was also ridiculously in love with Peter B. Parker, the biggest freak in the known (and unknown) universes. _We could have a little freak-fest together, be a little comedy duo of Hotshot and Butterface. The audience would fuckin’ love that._

Wade headed for home, thoughts of Petey and MJ plaguing him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Please feel free to leave comments (I respond to all of them and they please my ego immensely) even if you don't think you have much to say. Little observations, questions or notes of appreciation/constructive criticism help make my day that much better.
> 
> If you like this, please feel free to check out the actual story I'm writing about these two, taking place in the little universe I've set up here!


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